My heart feels broken. I have depression problems and I don’t socialize or bond like other people seem to. I’ve never had a best friend or even a really close friend. I just have friends that I catch up with once every few months, at most. It’s even like that with my family. I’m an outsider. I try but never fit in anywhere. I have always felt like this spare part that doesn’t really serve a purpose but you keep it around “just in case”. That’s a horrible way to look at yourself. But, there it is.
Early this year, I became very ill, stayed in bed a lot, and had very little human interaction. I cried and felt alone, on top of feeling sick. I came to a point where I knew that if something wasn’t done, I was going to start to want to stop living. I was going to wake up and really feel like I would be better off dead and out of the way. I’d read where dogs are good for companionship and help boost your feelings of happiness. They would be a friend. I decided I needed to get one before I did something stupid. I searched and decided a Pomeranian would be perfect for me and found a wonderful breeder that then brought me an absolute doll of a puppy.
And then I fell in love. Atlas was with me all day and all night. He would follow me everywhere I went. If I was in the shower he was sitting outside waiting and would poke his head in to check on me if I was taking too long. He made me feel like I was wonderful. Like I was the most important, perfect, beautiful person in the entire universe. When I would enter the room he’d get this look on his face that said, “oh there you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for your perfect self. Now life is good again!” And I loved him back just as much. He got me out of bed and outside. He made me laugh. I mean REALLY laugh. And I would carry him around all the time and kiss on him and spoil him and I thought I had years to be that happy with him. I thought I’d get to have him by my side for a very long time.
Then yesterday, he started walking into walls and he was so disoriented and then I realized he had just gone blind! I was getting him to his vet and he started having seizure after seizure. In the end, I lost my only friend. I lost the one that I just knew would love me no matter what forever. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m so depressed. I miss my friend.